“They don’t stay little for long”. If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard that, yet here I am, a few days from Alfie’s first birthday and I can’t quite believe my darling baby boy will be 1 year old, it’s gone by so quickly. If I don’t share with you my journey into motherhood and what the past year has felt like I may never share, so here goes.
My heart feels full, my little life feels complete. I am thankful, grateful and I feel awakened everyday. I take in all the little things, the fine details. Everyday I could burst with pride. I learn as he learns, we grow together. I amaze myself at how much I’ve changed. I’m tired, so very tired. I try to live in the moment but I’m constantly thinking 5 steps ahead. I question my everyday decisions yet I’ve never been more certain in myself. I worry like never before. For the first time in my adult life I love my body, it was home to my baby.
Looking back so much seems like a blur. I vaguely remember the tough days and long nights. I do remember how incredibly anxious I was in the first few months. Home was my safe place. When it came to leaving the house, what if I don’t make it home before his next feed, what if he cries, I’m exhausted, lets stay home. If we’re at home then we’ll be fine. Thankfully that feeling passed super quickly and by the time Alfie reached 3 months I was confidently on the go and loving our days out together. Overnight I felt like a pro. Breastfeeding wherever need be, trying new things together, meeting new friends, I embraced the mid shop Tesco tantrum, it’s what babies do. I got to a place where I dressed and felt a little like me again, and what a difference that made. I could make it out the house by midday, no more baggy tee’s and maternity leggings, just baggy eyes but to this day I wear them proudly.
It has been a time where everyday I feel challenged. Sleep deprived for 12 months. My little one still does not sleep, (I’m so over saying that). We co sleep every night. We still do the odd night feed and I’m OK with that. I’ve tried every recommendation there is, my little one doesn’t go by the book, I no longer beat myself up over it, he’s doing just fine, he’ll sleep when he needs to. There are times I crave a solid 3 hour sleep, thats all I ask for however when the sun comes up and I see his little gummy smile, instantly I have a spring in my step. My energy comes from my heart. I see him and I am ready for the day ahead, I am ready for adventure, I am ready to learn and watch as he learns, I’m ready to be up all night for however long he needs me to be.
I do try to put into words what becoming his Mummy feels like but in its simplest form I feel love. A love that just cannot be described in a few sentences. The first time he rolled over, his first steps, his smile, his cuddles, his scent, his tiny little hands holding my finger, the way he shouts dadada, nursing him till he sleeps in my arms, this is what the past 12 months have been. These are the memories I will cherish, these are the feeling that will stay with me forever.
It has been the most grounding, heart filling adventure. I have lived in every moment and felt every second of the past year. Yes I often wish I could keep him this tiny a little longer but equally my heart fills at the thought of watching him grow. He will always be my Little Alfie no matter his age and now I’ll always be Mummy.